When

This might be abstract but I think I'm losing myself. I have no idea how to define myself. I feel like I no longer have a grip on life like I did last year. I feel like I'm drifting away from joy, sadness, pain, life. Most of the time I feel angry, snappy and tense.

I don't have something to hold on to. Like a balloon filled with helium, floating away without any real destination. That's how I feel. Like I don't have a place where it all ends. I know it's in the grave, but when,

when will I stop feeling this way? 

La Tahzan

La tahzan, innallaha ma'ana. Janganlah bersedih, sesungguhnya Allah bersama-sama dengan kita. 

It seems that I'm saying it to myself instead of saying them to my friends. I cried while writing a farewell letter to Syazana. I didn't cry like the sort of drama like when the girls cry with just tears streaming down their faces. I cried like, a real cry. I was lucky the mucus didn't drop to the letter XD

I don't know why, but it was a the-moment kind of feeling. I honestly thought I wouldn't cry at all! I really surprised myself when I saw tear drops coming down on my arm. I thought of Syazana and Iwana and all the memories I had with them and then... *drop* *drip* *drop* *sniff* *wipe* *cry some more*. 

I'll miss all of my friends who have stuck with me till the very end at JESS. I will remember the vows we recite every morning (hopefully), I'll remember the school song. Never in my life have I been sadder to leave a school. Never in my life have I felt sad while singing the school's song. Never in my life have I felt like energetic and sad at the same time reciting the school vows. It all happened this week. This week has been a very eventful and emotional week for me, and for my friends who will miss me. 

You guys, Syazana, Aliya, Atiqah, Iwana, Mariah, uhibbukafillah.

Lies All Lies

I thought being friends settles everything. I thought that by being friends, we'd last till the end of the world. But hey, this isn't the first time I'm wrong about things isn't it?

All those promises, all those words. You said you'd buy me an Icy Grape after Eid Al-Fitri. You said you'd bring me to Alamanda to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, you insisted that I go and you wouldn't go without me. You said in 6 years, you'll go look for me and marry me.

I wonder if all guys make broken promises and go back on their words. It doesn't matter if you didn't say 'I swear', it's still called going back on your words. Gentlemen never go back on their words, ever. So this event just proves to me that you're not a gentleman.

I insisted on waiting 3 years, you didn't want me to. To you, I'm just a nuisance and I'm getting in the way of you focusing on god knows what (I think, no, I know you don't study). I tried reasoning with you, I asked you to study, I asked you not to skip classes. Why? Because I care about you and I want you to be a better person.

I just got over my ex when I met you, you were so understanding, and kind, you listened to all my rants. Then, I had a crush on you. After 2 months of keeping the secret from you, I blurted out. I felt like the luckiest girl alive that night on 11 something PM on someday in September (I decided dates weren't important because I know, deep down that it won't last till the 10th anniversary, but I still had hope). Heck, it didn't even last half a year. I texted you every single day, it was addictive. At first, I wasn't so keen on texting, but you texted me every day, I just replied and replied until then I realized, I'm addicted. It's like a drug, the strongest drug I know. Drugs that makes you cry almost all the time and makes you feel suicidal and you start blaming yourself you feel like you're a worthless living thing if you don't get them.

That is one hell of a drug.

I remember those times when we're both bored to death in June, texting kept us alive, literally. You read the whole post I made, the longest one. You actually read it. Guys don't bother reading other people's rants, especially girls, but you were different.

Were.

Then you left me, you broke off all contact with me. Now I think back of the words "He's not worth it. Leave him." and "You deserve someone better", I'm trying to convince myself that you're really not worth it. It might take time. But yeah. All those marrying me crap, you should have think twice or 10 times before you said it. Don't say you love me if you're going to treat me like this guy did : make me fall in love, leave me, let me be.

This sounds corny but I meant all these words. Why the hell would I tell people lies and get tired posting paragraphs of it? I wouldn't.

I don't tell lies, unlike you, my dear, sweet, honest Adiib.

You said you'd be my friend forever.

I'm too depressed

AMIN KHALILI.
That name meant a lot to me.
Now, it still does.
It left a big gaping hole in me.
It'll take a long time to recover.
.
He said something.
He said it so casually.
He made me cry.
.
I don't want him.
I don't want any guy.
I just wanted...
.
.
.
A friend.
.
Guys are not worth being mad over.
Guys like him.
Guys like AMIN KHALILI.
The boy who asked help from me.
The boy who never cared about me.
The boy who is so damn selfish.
The boy I deleted from my Facebook account.
.
The boy I used to love.
.
Dania.