When

This might be abstract but I think I'm losing myself. I have no idea how to define myself. I feel like I no longer have a grip on life like I did last year. I feel like I'm drifting away from joy, sadness, pain, life. Most of the time I feel angry, snappy and tense.

I don't have something to hold on to. Like a balloon filled with helium, floating away without any real destination. That's how I feel. Like I don't have a place where it all ends. I know it's in the grave, but when,

when will I stop feeling this way? 

Fillah

Assalamualaikum,

I have mentioned in my previous post that I love my friends uhibbukafillah or is it supposed to be uhibbukifillah eh? No matter, but I think it's supposed to be the latter. A friend of mine once posted on Facebook :

A relationship begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear if it's not for Allah

When I read that, my heart instantly clicked. I knew that my relationship with him will end, it's just a matter of time and who will snap first. It turned out that he snapped first yesterday. Surprisingly, I don't even know the date and time that happened. Yes, I am that drowned in holidays that I don't keep track of the date. *raising hands while yelling "I have no regrets!"*. I mean, what kind of high-school relationship is for Allah? Sure, you might deny it as I used to, saying "I want to marry him/her, this isn't a temporary thing". But you can't lie to yourself. Deep down, you know, with the thoughts of your lover, with their texts, their calls, they're sinful. Even though it's somehow innocent. But when there's one boy and one girl together, there'll always be a third person, even in text messages. If not, well there won't be such a thing we call sexting. 

So I have decided to be single until it's truly the right time for marriage. No more boyfriends, no more romance before marriage. Wait till you're ready for it, then get married, then love your spouse till you drown him with your love and nobody would care, plus, you get rewards *kaching* (P/S : this is not a credit card advertisement). I want to spend as much time with my friends since when I'm married *ahem* I won't have as much time with them, so, savour them while they're hot! (Yes, this is a fried-friend advertisement). I said that I'd be single for real after the scam with "Adean" (oh I don't know how to pronounce it still!!!!!!!!) but then... krik3. You guys can figure out what happened. I simply must make an agreement of some sort with Syazana or Aliya or both of them to make me remain single, not that I can't, but I do have a knack for not being... persistent enough, especially when my heart's involved. I mean, not all of us have the willpower to refuse when our heartthrob, the same person we sneak a glance at at school, the same person we stalk, the same person we hope would notice small things about us, tells us they love us. Let's just say I have a knack for... not refusing it. Which I'm not proud of! 

That's it, I need my beauty sleep for my future husband *blows kiss* ahahaha <--- exactly why an agreement is needed... Goodnight everyone. And to the considerate people who care, I'm coping quite well with this, surprisingly! So no worries, I'm cool mates :)

Civilisation

I actually wanted to talk about something... general today. But I wanted to talk about something else beforehand. I'm sure all of you have friends, whether they're imaginary, real, distant, inseparable, they're all friends. I have real, solid friends, but their loyalty, is fake, gaseous, imaginary. I mean no, not all of them, just one, single group. Bah! Who needs them when I have my loyal friends who I know will never leave me or judge me.

Okay back to the original idea. I want to talk about the Jahiliyyah period and this modern, civilised era. Do you actually know the meaning of civilization? Or do you just think it's something like, the thing you call when people live in a modern place, complete with appliances and community? Civilization is the development of the outer, physical, solid, external and spiritual, mental. Now that you know the definition, do you think our era is civilised?

During the Jahiliyyah period, drinking alcohol is a norm. What about now? Don't even talk about alcohol, even drugs are nothing new! During the Jahiliyyah period, people commit adultery without feeling any guilt. What about now? Nothing different, I see. During the Jahiliyyah period, newborn girls are buried alive. What about now? Boy, girls, all of them, all the innocent child born from foul, vile bonding are thrown away. Where? In garbage cans, flushed in the toilet, thrown in rivers, dumps, drains, thrown from an apartment, left to be eaten by pests and rodents!

We, the so called modern people, who have looked down on the Jahiliyyah period, are worse than them! So stop thinking so high and mighty of yourself and look back on what you have done.

Are you yourself civilised?

Lost Hope

I went to netball practice for the first time in my life just now. I arrived at school at around 3.50 pm by bike. I sat on a bench in the canteen full of hope that Iman would come there quick. Alas, she arrived. The practice began by running three rounds around the netball court. My shoelace untied itself magically during the last round  and Zahra told me about it. I tried to brush it off by saying it's okay and stuff but she said it'd be very dangerous , so I tied it up again.

Then came the horrifying part. When they did the in-and-out or whatever it is, I... failed miserably. Not only did I didn't jump, I couldn't catch the ball well either. Finally, a senior taught me privately by throwing the ball at me and made me throw it back to her quickly until my hands almost went numb. I didn't give up yet but I felt like this sport wasn't for me. Then Fithriyaani coached me. The ball hit my face at least twice because of my inexperience catching it. Playing defence to me just meant preventing the opposing team from getting the ball, not catching it myself. Soon, I felt light-headed. I said "I don't think I can do this (being on the team for a long-term) but Iman and Fithriyaani encouraged me by saying "Don't worry, it happens when you're new". If you can guess what happened next, you obviously know me well.

I almost fainted.

No big deal, I faint once almost every month. Twice each month if I'm unlucky and it's a schooling month with no holidays. Thrice if there're sport practice. 

Okay so back to the story. I was sent to the canteen, feeling very light-headed and tired. My hands felt really numb. I felt very useless. Like I disappointed everybody. I disappointed myself. I have never trained a sport for a long-term and not faint or almost faint. Swimming may be the best sport for me, but the first time I swam 10 laps of freestyle? I couldn't get up in the changing room and everything sort of became dark. Handball? Even though I scored a goal (superbly if I may say so, the senior said so too), I still didn't get picked for the school team. 

When I first started freestyle last two years, I kept swallowing the pool water and it burnt my throat. I kept saying to the coach and the senior that I can't do it. The coach said "You don't know yet if you can do it or not if you don't practice", so I trained and I found out that freestyle is the best swimming style I can do! In netball, my friends said almost the same thing, but I didn't feel the burst of motivation, of passion. I think I know why. If I suck in swimming, it won't affect anyone but me. Only I would get hurt in the process. It's a solo sport. Netball, on the other hand, requires teamwork. If I flunk, it might make the whole team flunk too. See what I mean? 

As a conclusion to my first long blog entry of the year, I'd like to say that I don't think I'm quite fit for netball. What if I faint during a match? Ooh, that wouldn't look good. I need to swim again. I think that's the only thing for me, swimming. 

Life Goals

So, I know my ranking for this test. And I know the chances are slim, but...

I hope it stays on that ranking, just with higher marks. And I hope that it'll boost when it comes to my PMR. I hope it won't go down, down, down next year since it'll be like, really different when I step into Form 4. I hope I get excellent results, and by excellent, I mean, straight A PLUS for my PMR and SPM. I hope I can get a scholarship to Australia. And I hope I can be a botanist, an expert one, if possible. I hope I can live my life fully and have more "I'm thankful"s than "I regret"s. I hope I'll get married one day to a good man. I hope I won't die because of cancer. I hope I won't smoke. I hope my mom will live to see me get married, and have kids. I hope people will remember something nice when they hear my name. I hope I'll do more goods and if possible, no sins. I hope I'd be placed among the people who will go into heaven. I hope my mom will go to heaven. I hope my mom will be free of her sufferings. I hope people will remember me after I'm gone and no longer here.

Those, the extra-long paragraph, are the goals in my life. I hope I'll get all of them.

Ameen.

Numb

A lot of tension have been building up inside of me. And I don't know how long I can hold it. With the constant laughing, noise, hatred.

I feel like giving up, turning myself numb. Not able to hear their laughs, not able to feel hatred, not able to see their faces. It hurts and it's making me depressed.

That SMS

This is the main reason you shouldn't trust people. The person who you thought was so nice, actually lied to you. Big time. Now you're hurt, again.

So, remember the words of this person you love. Remember those, okay?

Don't trust people so easily.

Oh Allah, I can't thank you enough for showing this person into my life, making those words by that person much more easy to absorb. I'll remember that for the rest of my life...

Offline With Hedonism

I went to Masjid As-Syakirin near KLCC today. I joined a program hosted by IKRAMteens which is called Offline With Hedonism or O.W.H for short. You know, like the 'rempit's type : owhhh. Hehe yeah like that. My mommy drove me there. Thank you, I love you, mummy.

I had to wake up at 6 in the morning. I slept after breakfast while waiting for my mom. Then I listened to songs on the radio all along the journey. After mummy had breakfast at KLCC, she walked me over to the mosque. After signing up or more like, taking attendance, we had breakfast. I didn't eat because I ate already. Then Mariah and Atiqah arrived.

I wore my favourite slacks and a red Jeep t-shirt. When I saw other girls wearing head covers that are 'labuh', I felt awkward. Since I've never worn something like that. Also, it made my heart feel calm. I think I'm gonna try wearing it, insha Allah.

Hedonism, according to Kamus Dewan Bahasa is... okay I don't remember but the general idea is doing something that gives pleasure. It's more like, seeking pleasure, avoiding pain. Our goal in life is to be happy. And to be happy, we must follow the true path of living. And the true path of living is Islam.

I wanted to write what was in my notebook, but it's downstairs, so, sorry. But I shared some of my knowledge in the paragraph above. After dividing ourselves into groups (our leader's name is Asma and our group name is Kizuna which means 'bond', Atiqah suggested it) and hearing some motivation, and watching an epic video about Islamic history (it's super epic. It's so epic I had goosebumps more than I had when I heard "for Aslan!!!" in Narnia. And mind you, I'm a huge aficionado of Narnia), we went to KLCC to familiarise ourselves with the culture of hedonism.

Since I've been to KLCC more times than I can remember, I kinda like, remember the map already == After buying food at the bakery inside Cold Storage, we went back to the mosque. We had lunch, prayed and continued our discussion about hedonism in our groups. Next, we presented on how to avoid hedonism. After the closing ceremony, and watching a video of us (that kakak is really good, and fast in making videos), we prayed, had tea, and went back home.

Going on the Internet for a long time is also considered hedonism if you forget your daily chores and abandon your life and responsibilities. I hope, for the sake of the afterworld, you, and I, insha Allah will stay away from hedonism.

Slowly of course, I'll have a breakdown if I do it abruptly == Oh and by the way, I'm trying to widen my English vocabulary, so I put in some weird words hehe.

Digital Letter

Dear future Dania,

You have now vowed to not get attached to a person. Having friends are alright. But don't get too close. Your secrets are meant to be secrets. Your private problems should be kept private. You'll only hurt yourself if you get attached to a person.

So keep your guard up. Not everyone in this world is nice. Most of them won't stick around till you die. Once you get attached to someone, you get used to their presence. Then when they leave you to get something better, you'll feel empty. And you hate that feeling.

The moral of the story of this digital letter, is to not get attached with someone.

The present Dania

Negativity

I'm not trying to brag in the story below. But I just want to point out that I'm not stupid. A simple lie like that, I can detect it. I use logical thinking. I never did point out that I'm smart. I only wanted to say I'm not stupid.

Really. That was the main purpose. To say that I'm not as stupid as you think I am. I accept that you, anon, are only giving me advice. But the way you said it, it's as if it's full of hatred. If you want to give advices, there can't be even a single tint of hatred or anger. Or the person you're giving the advice to will hate you. Moreover, your advice will be worthless.

To them, it won't sound like an advice, it will sound more like a critic or a hate post. Furthermore, you're an anon. It might be someone who just hates us and wants to make our self esteem low. If you, anon, didn't make that post about you were only giving me an advice, I'd be swearing. I'm telling you the truth.

But since you meant it well, I'm explaining it to you calmly about the situation. So, thank you for the advice and I hope you get my advice on when you're giving out advices, don't let any negativity tint it even the slightest.

Life Lessons

I swear I'll have panda-like eyes tomorrow morning.

I've learnt tonight that

• guys will not tell their problems to almost anybody.
• you have to prepare your heart for the worse
• be careful with everything
• not everything stays, everything has its time limit
• you can't block out your feelings, you can just hide them.
• don't let your heart take over too much, you need your brain.
• nobody wants to get their hearts broken.
• some things were meant to stay secret.
• bottled up emotions are not meant to be released everywhere.

I must learn to hide my feelings better. Thanks, Adiib. I'm really lucky to have a friend like you. You've helped me a lot.

Change

I kinda miss the old me. I was nice. I seldom said no to any help requests. I didn't curse. Ditch that, I never cursed. I don't skip classes. I don't bully guys. I don't talk a lot loudly. I got straight A's. Oh please, every teacher who taught me in primary school will say I'm nice.

Now, it's a different story. I'm like Satan's mistress. I swear too much, your ears will hurt if you are near me. Ask Atiqah. I skip BM classes. After 10-20 minutes of the class, then I will come in. Then I got my payment by getting a big fat B for that subject. What a spoiler.

Just now, a 13-year old made me realize what a monster I'm turning myself into. Don't judge her, she's nice. And I thank her. Yeah, I'm really grateful to her. She made me realize how much I missed my old self. So now, I decided, I'm going to change. Change for the better.

Bit by bit.

1. Stop swearing.

2. Ignore all blue-related topics.

3. Stop skipping classes

I save the hardest for last. Really, I really, really can't stand BM that I just can't help skipping it ><>

Pray for my success, Atiqah? =) Thank you.

Dammit..

Am I mad, you ask? What do you mean by mad? Mad as in crazy or mad as in angry? Neither. Then what's wrong with me? I'll answer that question.

I AM FURIOUS.

I AM FURIOUSLY OUTRAGED.

Why, you ask? Oh just because I can't comment anything on Facebook using my favourite browser of all times : Internet Explorer 8. I love using IE8. I'm using it right now. But I don't know why the heck I'm suddenly having a problem with it. A big, major problem. Now I have to use Mozilla Firefox if I wanna make any comments on FB. I'm trying to download Google Chrome to see if I can ever replace my beloved IE8...

BTW, I swam 690m during the swimming lesson just now.

What have I done?

I'm just gonna repeat things if you guys don't mind... WHAT HAVE I DONE???

I'm supposed to stay away from him! Why the hell was I chatting with the Khalili guy in the evening???

I'm supposed to forget him! Why the hell (purposely put it) was I looking for his name in the chat list???

Relax, Dania. OK, now I'm kinda relaxed. You wanna know why I'm so freaked out at a good thing (yeah, being in good terms with other people is a good thing, right?)? Okay, here it is.

When I'm in good terms with the Khalili guy, I'll get attached to him. And I'll chat with him everyday. But unfortunately, his emotion is also unstable like me... (now I know what Acap must've felt when I get mad...) He gets mad easily (like me...). But I don't channel my anger through my friends. I only tell them how I feel about something and I'll curse. Then I'll feel a bit better. I don't make my friends my punchbag! Okay, back to the Khalili guy. When he gets mad, he'll channel his anger through me. Which means, I get all the blame.

Then I'll be sad.

MAJOR, SUPER SAD.

That's why I'm supposed to stay away from him. AAAARGH!! See, my emotions are totally unstable. I get mad quickly, sad quickly, happy quickly, frustrated quickly, you get the idea right?

Okay, now I'm gonna try with all my will to get detached from the Khalili guy.

La vie est censée être vécue

Did you notice? The title's in French. Google it up if you like.

I moved on already. I don't have a crush on Amin Khalili anymore. I don't wanna tell you guys publicly about the reason coz it's gonna look like I'm saying bad things behind him. And I don't want that, right?

Life must be continued.
To be lived to its fullest.
To be cherished all the time.
You never get a second shot in life.
No matter how much you pray.
NEVER.
So NEVER regret living.
NEVER ask questions about why you were borned.
Allah the Almighty gave us life.
NEVER waste the precious gift.

Vivons aujourd'hui, comme c'est le dernier jour que vous aurez jamais vivre

Suicide

Ok, I wanna ask you guys. Have you ever considered committing suicide? Be honest, please. I really wanna know. I wanna know if I'm the only troubled one. If you answered yes to the previous question, how many times have you considered it?
.
I, Wan Nur Dania binti Wan Muhmad Rizuan, admit that I have considered, reconsidered and so on about committing suicide. I have my own reasons. But then I think about the fun things in life. Like piano. I can't just give up everything.
.
Life is about living it. And moving forward.
All.
The.
Time.

Friends Enable Me to Make it!

I need friends.
You need friends.
Everybody need friends.
I have friends.
I have true friends.
Do you?
I have fake friends.
Do you?
Are my true friends true?
Or are they faker than ever?
.
Everyday,
I wake up in the morning,
Who do I think of first?
Atiqah.
Who do I think of when I get to school?
Safi. Syazana. Elissa.
Who do I think of during the assembly?
Lee. Amin.
Who do I think of during Sivik?
My fellow sleeping partner, Aiman.
Who do I think of during BM?
My fellow hate-BM friend, Saiful.
What about in class?
Sarah. Amalia.
.
When I get home,
I miss my friends.
I think of them,
I wonder,
Are they thinking of me too?
.
Because to me,
Friends are one of the reasons
I'm able to make it through the day.