Lost Hope

I went to netball practice for the first time in my life just now. I arrived at school at around 3.50 pm by bike. I sat on a bench in the canteen full of hope that Iman would come there quick. Alas, she arrived. The practice began by running three rounds around the netball court. My shoelace untied itself magically during the last round  and Zahra told me about it. I tried to brush it off by saying it's okay and stuff but she said it'd be very dangerous , so I tied it up again.

Then came the horrifying part. When they did the in-and-out or whatever it is, I... failed miserably. Not only did I didn't jump, I couldn't catch the ball well either. Finally, a senior taught me privately by throwing the ball at me and made me throw it back to her quickly until my hands almost went numb. I didn't give up yet but I felt like this sport wasn't for me. Then Fithriyaani coached me. The ball hit my face at least twice because of my inexperience catching it. Playing defence to me just meant preventing the opposing team from getting the ball, not catching it myself. Soon, I felt light-headed. I said "I don't think I can do this (being on the team for a long-term) but Iman and Fithriyaani encouraged me by saying "Don't worry, it happens when you're new". If you can guess what happened next, you obviously know me well.

I almost fainted.

No big deal, I faint once almost every month. Twice each month if I'm unlucky and it's a schooling month with no holidays. Thrice if there're sport practice. 

Okay so back to the story. I was sent to the canteen, feeling very light-headed and tired. My hands felt really numb. I felt very useless. Like I disappointed everybody. I disappointed myself. I have never trained a sport for a long-term and not faint or almost faint. Swimming may be the best sport for me, but the first time I swam 10 laps of freestyle? I couldn't get up in the changing room and everything sort of became dark. Handball? Even though I scored a goal (superbly if I may say so, the senior said so too), I still didn't get picked for the school team. 

When I first started freestyle last two years, I kept swallowing the pool water and it burnt my throat. I kept saying to the coach and the senior that I can't do it. The coach said "You don't know yet if you can do it or not if you don't practice", so I trained and I found out that freestyle is the best swimming style I can do! In netball, my friends said almost the same thing, but I didn't feel the burst of motivation, of passion. I think I know why. If I suck in swimming, it won't affect anyone but me. Only I would get hurt in the process. It's a solo sport. Netball, on the other hand, requires teamwork. If I flunk, it might make the whole team flunk too. See what I mean? 

As a conclusion to my first long blog entry of the year, I'd like to say that I don't think I'm quite fit for netball. What if I faint during a match? Ooh, that wouldn't look good. I need to swim again. I think that's the only thing for me, swimming.