Wishes Under the Night Sky

This morning (2 am is still morning, look at the 'am'), I got into a bit of misunderstanding. It was all due to my emotional breakdown at 12 after telling Atiqah about my... um, state of health. Then I was kinda moody because I was reminded of my state of health. I forget about it when I'm enjoying myself. But Atiqah needs to know. She deserves to know, as my best friend.

Enough with my health, I'm gonna tell you about the misunderstanding this morning. Okay, correction. I'm gonna tell you how I feel about the misunderstanding this morning. As usual, I'll get all touchy and sensitive when I'm going to sleep. So it happens a boy and a word came by. I got all moody because I thought he didn't like it and... well I still think he doesn't like it, even though he said he does.

He said he's sorry, I won't listen (Usually I'd give in, but since there was an emotional breakdown...). He said he's sorry, still not listening. He said he's sorry, I said if he says another 'sorry', I'm gonna force him to say ____. It's private, I'm not gonna tell you!! Then he said okay, but he's still sorry. I said 'You said sorry! Now say _____. Say it. Now' and he was 'Do I really need to say it? ______ hurm... *dead*'. Ouch that really hurts. I've been wanting to hear those from him so bad I'll give away my... uh... my glasses (I'll buy a new one anyway) to hear those words. But he said it in a 'oh-i-so-dont-want-to-say-this' kinda way.

Then I sulked, I sulked so bad. His 'haha's were no longer there in the texts I got. Then he said 'Ok I'll say it ______ bye' after I sulked for... 45 minutes? LOL I don't know. I was so devastated because he's using the words just to persuade me not to sulk. Not out of sincerity. I was devastated, you know, devastated. Then I said I'm sorry, it's my fault. I just realized it's my fault and I'm the one to blame for my own feelings.

Then my phone battery went low and I can't reply to his message wishing me goodnight. He sent another message saying he's sorry (again...). Then I got up from my bed, walked in the dark, almost fell down, stumbling on things, sneezing all the time, groping for my phone charger. I plugged in the charger at the socket used to plug in the TV wire. Then I replied his message. He didn't reply. I waited there, in front of the tv, sitting against the wall, on the carpet. No blankets, I was too tired to go get one. Gosh it was cold over there. I just hugged myself asleep.

When I got up a couple of minutes later, it was great. I got a fever. Nice. Just what I needed. After not getting his reply for ... (sorry I didn't count again), I lied down on my bed, pulled the blanket over my head, and tried to sleep. I tried, but I couldn't. Then I started wishing. I wish my 'disease' came back and I'm not here but at the hospital, or clinic, or in an isolated room.

I wished I was dead.

Thank you for reading this useless diary of mine.